Friends, I hope this post finds you happy, peaceful and loved on this gorgeous Valentine’s Day.
I know I have been quiet around here, and it isn’t at all what I had planned. My health struggles continue, and I have fought to know and find my voice in this chaos. I have been working through unprecedented symptoms, and it seems there is no end in sight.
I have spent my days quietly at home, in bed mostly, and it has been so hard to find interesting and inspiring things to say. Part of me feels like I can’t speak as candidly as I want to about all that is happening to me. I don’t know if illness is a worthwhile thing, or an appropriate thing to talk about, and at this point in my life I feel like it is the only thing I truly know. What do I say? Do I write about how lonely this feels? Do I write about doctors and hospitals and other unpleasantries? Do I write about abandoned plans, or suffering relationships? Do I write about how exceptionally boring I feel I have become?
When I come here, I want my words to echo a certain meaning and confidence; a heart and faith that I am simply lacking right now. I want to talk about projects, passions and adventure, the things I just don’t have room for while I manage my health. So if the days and weeks wear on and I continue to be quiet here, that’s why. I know one day I will wake up feeling better and stronger, and I will get back to living this life the way it is meant to be lived. Until then, I will simply take each moment as it comes.
Despite everything, I know I am immeasurably blessed. Mine is a life filled with countless reasons to be hopeful.
Hope is a miraculous thing to hold on to.
Have a blessed weekend, everyone.
Just let go.
Let go of how you thought your life should be, and embrace the life that is trying to work its way into your consciousness.
I spent my morning wedged between two perfect, snoozy pups and watching a gentle, precious rain fall outside my window. This comfort, this peace, was a welcome respite from how this month has been.
January, historically, has been a complicated time for me. I flare badly after the hustle of the holidays, but truthfully it is more than that. I have a tendency to obsess a bit over the “normal” world and all its blessed, beautiful “normal” people and how it feels like I’m missing out on everything. You would think I am too busy getting the shit kicked out of me by illness to even care. 90% of the time I don’t. But that 10% of the time can really hurt. In those dark moments, my emotions vacillate between quiet rage and shame.
My smallness is palpable.
When this diagnosis came, and in every doctor’s visit thereafter, the most important side of me, the human side, was largely forgotten. They don’t prepare you for the painful things that cut and go straight to the very fringes of your being, like your fears of letting down the people you love, or your constant worry of how you are going to realistically make a life for yourself. They don’t prepare you for how friendships change, and the agony of feeling people slip away. They don’t prepare you for judgement, coming at you from all directions. They don’t prepare you for how your realm of possibility narrows, as the healthy people in your life continue to grow and achieve in ways that you know you will never experience.
But today, on this glorious day, I want to set this pain aside. I have a beautiful family, drawing me into their peace, love and acceptance. Today, my presence is enough. Today, the sky has happily opened up to share its bounty, cleansing all that lies beneath.
Today, it is going to be alright.
May your day, this gift, be a peaceful one.