Yesterday I realized that it has been well over a month since I have blogged or written a single, meaningful word anywhere.
As the summer was winding down and my heart felt full with the anticipation of season’s change, I wanted so badly to rededicate myself to this place and to my creative side in general. I wanted the comfort of routine, and to feel like I was doing something important. At the very least I will post once a week, I told myself, not really knowing what was in store for me.
When I was in San Francisco for those few days two months ago, I spent one full day buried under the covers of my hotel bed, too sick to leave my room, my brain capable of processing only two things: how I just wanted to go home, and all of the things I was missing out on. Anyone who has been to San Francisco knows its magic. While I may have been buried under sheets and blankets, I could still hear the sounds of the city from the other side of the window~people, movement, excitement, life. And there I was on a Friday at noon, in too much pain to even lift my head from my pillow.
My illness has persisted with a vengeance since my time away. The days have been long, painful and lonely. There are moments when I can’t feel parts of me. There are times when it feels like liquid fire is shooting through every inch, deep down through every bone, vein and nerve, and in an instant that fire turns agonizingly ice cold. My tired mind doesn’t have any other way to explain it.
There have been times when I have sat down to express myself here, and the words just wouldn’t come. Or they would come, and I felt they were too raw and dark and honest, which isn’t what I wanted. Then I would worry and stress about never coming back here and having something meaningful to say. I resent my identity as a sick person. I want to defy these laws I have been forced to live by and bend illness to my will, so when I want to make plans, when I want to be smart, when I want to feel pretty, and when I want to be witty, vivacious and interesting, I can be.
To feel less lost, I have dedicated my energies to creating the best possible days for myself. Days filled with hot baths, sunshine, meditation, cozy jammies, doggie cuddles and lots and lots of sleep. I haven’t managed much more than that. The pain is still too great. But in spite of it, I still feel ridiculously grateful for a few precious things.
For my family.
For my home.
For new friends both near and far.
And for this gorgeous unbreakable safety net of love that is all mine.
Better days are surely coming soon. I also thank those of you who have shown concern for my baby girl Grace. Good news. She has a digestive condition that can be treated with medication. We are very thankful indeed that our baby is going to be just fine.
Wishing everyone a beautiful week, and a beautiful fall.
Let her sleep, for when she wakes, she will move mountains.
Let her sleep, for when she wakes, she will shake the world.
Life has been a bit of a blur lately. So much of one that I realized just yesterday, eleven days into August, that we had turned a page on another month; this much closer to cozy autumn days, sweaters and rich colors and falling leaves and other magic.
While I look forward, I have also been consumed for the last two months with something unexpected. In June we took our gorgeous Gracie girl to the vet for her usual checkup. While all outward signs have told us she’s a happy, healthy, vibrant dog, one round of routine lab work and one follow up round a month later have revealed otherwise. There is a problem with her liver, and we don’t yet know what it is.
The process so far has been one of elimination. We spent the first 30 days after the initial testing stopping all of her medications with the hope that they had caused the problem. The second round of tests showed the same scary results as the first. Our efforts didn’t help. Now we are preparing for a third round in a few weeks’ time, and until then our girl will be enjoying an all organic diet, a prescription liver support supplement, as well as other vitamins, minerals and oils to get her back to her healthy best. If these efforts prove futile, ultrasound and biopsy are next on the agenda. And by then, if that moment comes, I will be one doggie mommy on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
For these two months I have been watching her every move. Is she sleeping too much? Drinking too much? Eating too little? Does she want to play like she did before? She is sleeping more than usual, but it doesn’t stop me from constantly looking at her and feeling her for the slightest little bump or irregularity. When all she wants to do is sleep, there I am, Crazy Mommy, interrupting her slumber as I run my hands along the perfect contours of her body, wanting to love her because no matter what I do it never feels like enough. I always get the thump of her tail against the floor or the bed, depending on where she settles. Her precious way of saying Mommy, I don’t mind. I love you. But don’t worry Mommy. I’m going to be just fine.
Yesterday I found her outside in the backyard by herself. I watched through the screen door quietly, just wanting to take in her sense of wonder. How she carefully studied a honeybee in the garden, perched atop my red bell pepper plant. How she gently sat down and looked up at the sky as a plane flew overhead, captivated by its movement and sound against bright blue and sweeps of white, as if it was the most interesting thing in the world. I am always learning from this girl. This beautiful, heaven sent, exquisite creature who has held my heart since the day my husband brought her home.
Until that next vet visit, it will be parenthood as usual in this house. We will let her sleep and play and explore and do as she pleases. There will be lots of belly rubs, gentle kisses and Daddy cuddles. And simply enjoying her, and the love that fills this home.
Have an amazing week, everyone.
Give your babes some extra love today, both the four legged kind and two legged kind.