family
So Blessed
My weekend was filled with that special kind of lovely.
Time with my amazing mom. The company of the most amazing man a woman could ask for. The love of two crazy pups, who “told” Grandma that Mommy really needed flowers for Mother’s Day, and Grandma delivered.
In our family there is no distinction between the kids who come on four legs and the ones who come on two.
Calla lilies. Elegant trumpets of purple, pink and ivory perfection now grace my kitchen table.
Yellow orchids tilt joyfully toward the sun, their new home next to my family room window.
And outside, the greatest gift I could ask for. My father’s little apple tree, now ours, its tiny trunk just shy of four feet tall, delicate branches reaching for the sky with all their might, bearing fruit for the very first time. I have counted five little apples in all, scattered about, but there is one special twosome. Joined in harmony, robust and thriving. My heart sings and swells with this progress.
As a woman living with compromised health, I spend a lot of time at home. For that reason and for many others, I want to walk into every room, turn every corner, step outside into my backyard sanctuary and always see a reason to smile.
Beautiful flowers and a happy little fruit tree make for a beautiful start. The flowers representing so many things, like simple beauty, and my father’s thriving little apple tree representing so much more. It means, to me, that his happiness and passion have found a way to live on, nearly three years after he left us.
There is no greater gift he can give me.
It is simply without question. Despite loss, despite illness, despite every pain and challenge, mine is a life filled with infinite love and blessings.
May you always find the good and light in your life, and feel the same.
Have an amazing week.
Have A Blessed Mother’s Day
On this glorious Mother’s Day weekend, I want to spend every moment I can with the beautiful woman who gave me life.
She is my teacher, my hope, the keeper of my every wish and secret. I want to slow down and linger over her gorgeous smile. I want to hold the hands that have nurtured and comforted me over these many years. I want her to know how much I, how much we as her children, cherish and appreciate her.
Because this woman’s devotion and generosity know no end.
This weekend, I want to set aside all that hurts and just bask in the love of family. There is no greater gift.
Have a beautiful weekend, everyone.
And Happy Mother’s Day to all of the amazing moms out there.
And Happy Mother’s Day to you, Mom.
Thank you for everything.
Most of all, thank you for showing me, and everyone who has the blessing of you, what it means to love.
Let Not Our Hearts Be Troubled
It has been that kind of week.
Something I like to call “sock monkey slipper time.”
Three precious souls lost their lives, and hundreds of people will never be the same again, after the bombing in Boston earlier this week. A fertilizer plant blew up in Texas, and dozens of people are unaccounted for. Mail laced with lethal poison was sent to our lawmakers here in the U.S.
And then there are the constant worries closer to home. Like how no matter what I do, I’m not getting better. No matter what I and my doctor throw at them, lupus and chronic pain are winning. It’s crazy. I can’t get out of bed in the mornings. I pour pineapple juice into my coffee. My skin actually hurts. My hair hurts.
Yes, that is actually a thing.
So, it’s sock monkey slipper time when it feels like the world is fifty shades of crazy.
It’s also sock monkey slipper time when I want a reason to look down at my feet and smile.
We can all use more smiles.
Yesterday I spied my cuddle bug son, snuggled up in his blanket. I smiled some more. Not long ago he was abandoned and unloved at our local shelter. But something, some greater power, told us to go and find him and bring him home.
I know that as long as there is love in my world, and I hold on to a belief in something so much greater than any of this, everything will be alright.
Because no matter what personally challenges us, or what tragedy and evil throw our way, people are good.
Faith his powerful.
The world is a beautiful place.
And love wins.
I wish you a weekend filled with the kind of things you dream of.
Be safe, have fun and surround yourself with the things that make you smile.
In My Thoughts
A gorgeous blossom on my backyard apple tree
It has been a thoughtful week, friends.
Yesterday morning I felt crazy and weepy and I really didn’t know why, until I realized it was my father’s birthday.
He would have been 67 years old.
Sometimes I am at peace with him leaving us. And sometimes not.
I have a ritual when I struggle to feel that peace, when it begins to hurt too much. I go out in my yard and spend time with Dad’s beloved little apple tree. My husband and I lovingly planted it in the ground a few months ago, liberating it from the huge pot that had housed it for nearly two years. This little baby has thrived in its new spot in our backyard, with an overabundance of leaves and blossoms and branches, so happy in the sunshine. It may sound weird or stupid, but I really do feel comforted and connected to my dad when I go out and spend time with this beautiful little tree. I guess it is my way of coping, knowing that the things he cared about still find a way to live on here, in this place. I like to think that he looks down from where he is, loves what he sees, and connects with it in some way.
I just want him to always know that his time here mattered. I think he doubted that sometimes, when he was here. That is what breaks my heart the most.
Dad, you mattered. I think the lessons of your soul life are showing you that, and you know it to be true now. But just in case you needed to hear it from me, yes, you mattered.
More than words can ever express.
With family, love and loss on my mind yesterday, I really wanted the rest of my day to be about the things that count. I spent some time with my awesome mom, having a few laughs and talking about the pups and fashion and other things that make us smile. I looked forward to a beautiful night with my husband, enjoying his company and feeling gratitude for all I have been blessed with in this life. He then arrived home with a beautiful bouquet of roses for me.
Sometimes he just knows what I need.
I swear, life and love are the most amazing things imaginable.
Friends, have a beautiful weekend.
May it be filled with all the things, and people, who bring you joy.
And love.
No Greater Love
The news came on Thursday.
A furry baby I follow on Facebook, sick with cancer, would be going to Rainbow Bridge on Saturday.
Saturday came.
His time came.
And I cried.
I cried because he is gone from this physical life. I cried because his Mommy and Daddy hurt so badly; and words, no matter how loving or wise, simply can’t comfort them now. I cried because I know that pain. Holding a living being lovingly in your arms as you feel their soul slip away; to a better place, but away from you. Emptiness. Time standing agonizingly still. Emotion so overwhelming that it feels like it will kill you, and you really don’t care if it does.
Easter morning I looked up at the sky, a sky that was supposed to be gray, wet and ominous. Instead I saw the sun; loving and bright, surrounded by pillows of white and bathed in a sea of deep blue that literally went on forever. Nature’s beauty speaking without words.
Love rushed in and sat strongly upon my heart.
I knew. I knew how I was meant to spend this day.
I found my precious girl sleeping soundly on the couch. I sat quietly next to her, and in her sleepy daze she moved so we would touch, and then halfway into my lap for some cuddles. Her eyes fluttered open and closed and open again as I held her. Her brother, my furry son, was in one of his moods, and didn’t join us. Instead he chose the solitude of his doggie bed on the floor.
The house was quiet, aside from the occasional grind and crash emanating from the garage, the kind of sounds one hears when a man is left to his own devices. I smiled, knowing my husband was out there doing what he loves, and I was inside, holding our sleepy, perfect girl, her body moving so sweetly with each contented breath.
I leaned down to rest my cheek upon her head, and I took in her smell, that sweet spot between her ears where soft gray fur meets white. We held hands. And cuddled. And cuddled some more. I told her I loved her again and again and again.
I just couldn’t take my eyes off her.
This perfect girl, once abandoned at a local park on a chilly early May morning.
This perfect girl, once hungry, frightened and unloved.
This perfect girl, with so much love to give; waiting to find her way to us.
And she did, when her Daddy found her and brought her home.
Now she’s ours.
Mine.
My Grace.
And I am so ridiculously grateful.
My mind went back to the sweet boy who left this earth just one day before, and how his parents are hurting. How they can’t hold him or smell him or kiss him. How no amount of time or reason or faith can change what is.
But they can always love him.
And he will always love them.
Love never stops.
Love can overcome, even this painful separation.
And love will reunite them in a place that is so beautiful words fail to describe it.
Heaven now has a new angel.
With that thought sitting upon my heart, tears of grief evolved into tears of joy.
Zander, your Mommy and Daddy love you, and we all love you. Please look out for us, sweetheart. Your Mommy and Daddy will be with you again someday. You will find them at Rainbow Bridge, and then you will be with them forever. Until then, be strong, have fun, and say hello to my Molly. She’ll keep you company and play with you. Always know that you were a gift to this world. You made it a better place. And now heaven is even brighter because of you.
