Friends, I’m not starting the week off in the way I really want to.
Today is a particularly bad pain day. It is a particularly bad energy day, too.
The sensations meander around my body. At best, it feels like my limbs are on fire. At worst, it feels like I have one of those brain freeze headaches, pounding in my head and over every inch of me. Instead of a merciful few seconds, the feeling lasts for a relentless hour or two. I won’t lie. It makes me have thoughts I am not proud of. I think about how I don’t want to live like this. I contemplate how much I have lost, and how much I stand to lose as this continues. I battle with how pointless my life feels sometimes.
In moments of extreme weakness I flirt with the idea of risky behaviors, like taking addictive painkillers or drinking alcohol, anything to make it stop.
But I won’t.
Because ultimately I love life, and I love myself too much to do those things.
Today I had every intention of writing something really inspiring and meaningful, to start what should be a beautiful week. Instead I have to embrace short, sweet, brutal honesty. My spirit is willing, but my mind and body are weak. My fingers can barely move as I type this. I am struggling to find my words.
Just as I love myself enough to not indulge in dangerous things, I also love myself enough to know when to stop and be kind. To me.
Today I choose self care, and I will choose this as long as I need. I also choose to know the beauty that is all around me. When I got out of the shower this morning, this is what I saw.
And when I was resting on the couch this afternoon, my little guy got right up next to me. His warm little body gave my heavy heart so much comfort.
Who think I’m the best mommy ever, no matter what.
Life really is beautiful after all.
Have a blessed week.
It has been that kind of week.
Something I like to call “sock monkey slipper time.”
Three precious souls lost their lives, and hundreds of people will never be the same again, after the bombing in Boston earlier this week. A fertilizer plant blew up in Texas, and dozens of people are unaccounted for. Mail laced with lethal poison was sent to our lawmakers here in the U.S.
And then there are the constant worries closer to home. Like how no matter what I do, I’m not getting better. No matter what I and my doctor throw at them, lupus and chronic pain are winning. It’s crazy. I can’t get out of bed in the mornings. I pour pineapple juice into my coffee. My skin actually hurts. My hair hurts.
Yes, that is actually a thing.
So, it’s sock monkey slipper time when it feels like the world is fifty shades of crazy.
It’s also sock monkey slipper time when I want a reason to look down at my feet and smile.
We can all use more smiles.
Yesterday I spied my cuddle bug son, snuggled up in his blanket. I smiled some more. Not long ago he was abandoned and unloved at our local shelter. But something, some greater power, told us to go and find him and bring him home.
I know that as long as there is love in my world, and I hold on to a belief in something so much greater than any of this, everything will be alright.
Because no matter what personally challenges us, or what tragedy and evil throw our way, people are good.
Faith his powerful.
The world is a beautiful place.
And love wins.
I wish you a weekend filled with the kind of things you dream of.
Be safe, have fun and surround yourself with the things that make you smile.
The news came on Thursday.
A furry baby I follow on Facebook, sick with cancer, would be going to Rainbow Bridge on Saturday.
His time came.
And I cried.
I cried because he is gone from this physical life. I cried because his Mommy and Daddy hurt so badly; and words, no matter how loving or wise, simply can’t comfort them now. I cried because I know that pain. Holding a living being lovingly in your arms as you feel their soul slip away; to a better place, but away from you. Emptiness. Time standing agonizingly still. Emotion so overwhelming that it feels like it will kill you, and you really don’t care if it does.
Easter morning I looked up at the sky, a sky that was supposed to be gray, wet and ominous. Instead I saw the sun; loving and bright, surrounded by pillows of white and bathed in a sea of deep blue that literally went on forever. Nature’s beauty speaking without words.
Love rushed in and sat strongly upon my heart.
I knew. I knew how I was meant to spend this day.
I found my precious girl sleeping soundly on the couch. I sat quietly next to her, and in her sleepy daze she moved so we would touch, and then halfway into my lap for some cuddles. Her eyes fluttered open and closed and open again as I held her. Her brother, my furry son, was in one of his moods, and didn’t join us. Instead he chose the solitude of his doggie bed on the floor.
The house was quiet, aside from the occasional grind and crash emanating from the garage, the kind of sounds one hears when a man is left to his own devices. I smiled, knowing my husband was out there doing what he loves, and I was inside, holding our sleepy, perfect girl, her body moving so sweetly with each contented breath.
I leaned down to rest my cheek upon her head, and I took in her smell, that sweet spot between her ears where soft gray fur meets white. We held hands. And cuddled. And cuddled some more. I told her I loved her again and again and again.
I just couldn’t take my eyes off her.
This perfect girl, once abandoned at a local park on a chilly early May morning.
This perfect girl, once hungry, frightened and unloved.
This perfect girl, with so much love to give; waiting to find her way to us.
And she did, when her Daddy found her and brought her home.
Now she’s ours.
And I am so ridiculously grateful.
My mind went back to the sweet boy who left this earth just one day before, and how his parents are hurting. How they can’t hold him or smell him or kiss him. How no amount of time or reason or faith can change what is.
But they can always love him.
And he will always love them.
Love never stops.
Love can overcome, even this painful separation.
And love will reunite them in a place that is so beautiful words fail to describe it.
Heaven now has a new angel.
With that thought sitting upon my heart, tears of grief evolved into tears of joy.
Zander, your Mommy and Daddy love you, and we all love you. Please look out for us, sweetheart. Your Mommy and Daddy will be with you again someday. You will find them at Rainbow Bridge, and then you will be with them forever. Until then, be strong, have fun, and say hello to my Molly. She’ll keep you company and play with you. Always know that you were a gift to this world. You made it a better place. And now heaven is even brighter because of you.
I’ll admit it. I’m crazy in love with my pups. They run my house, and pretty much run my life. I would do anything for them. I would move heaven and earth for them. As far as I’m concerned, they are little people in fur suits.
I can’t imagine life without them.
Not only am I completely in love with my pups, but I’m obsessed with all things dogs. So when I heard about the latest trend taking the world by storm, I was super excited.
I discovered dog shaming.
It doesn’t sound very nice. Normally when I think of shaming I think of some loser on the side of the road with a sign, announcing to the world whatever misdeed they committed. Maybe it’s a teenager who stole, cut school, vandalized or smoked pot, and their mom or dad makes them carry a sign stating so on a busy street. I have also heard of adults who have to do this, sometimes judges sentence them to this sort of thing for petty theft, or whatever.
But it’s totally different when it comes to our canine babies. It’s all about the cute factor.
Check out these sweethearts. I can really relate to this one. I don’t think I will ever have really high end furniture:
How about this cutie:
And look at these two partners in crime:
There is so much more where these came from.
Now I’m waiting for the next opportunity to shame Jack and Grace. Stay tuned.
For a super sweet dose of cute to brighten your day, or if you feel the need to fall down laughing, visit
And be prepared to fall in love.
Have a wonderful weekend, friends.
When I woke up this morning I knew it was going to be one of those days. Without even moving I could feel it.
My pain on steroids.
My last completely pain free day is slowly becoming a distant memory. I fear it will be lost forever in my foggy brain. Many things about it are still vivid. It was my honeymoon. I was in a beautiful, tropical place an entire world away. I remember the love and other pleasant emotions that sat upon my heart. Those pieces of it will always be with me. What I fear losing is the memory of that physical sensation, when I moved my body freely and completely without a twinge, flash or lingering degree of pain.
How do I get away from this daily misery? My dreams are an escape. In them I am always strong and healthy, brilliant and wise. My waking hours are all about managing, hanging on. It is a hell of a way to live. And yes, at the risk of sounding morbid, I have rare moments when I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t know how I can face another forty years of this.
And that’s when I know it is time to go to where the love is in my life.
I’m lucky, because in my little corner of the universe, love is, in fact, all around.
On this day, I found myself already fighting tears as I hid under the covers. It was barely 7AM. Not good. On most days I can at least get up and around before the emotions hit and overwhelm me. I closed my eyes and tried to find it; any sensation that would remind me that all would be alright.
And like magic, it made its presence known.
I felt Jack against my leg, warm and soft, his little body going up and down with every sweet breath. And then there was Grace, sighing quietly and inching closer to make sure we touched. She found a spot against my aching back.
My children hugging me, doing what they could to take away Mommy’s pain. A sleepy kiss from my daughter graced my cheek. My tears were swept away.
A simple moment that had the power to pull me from the brink.
In moments like this I am reminded my life is blessed and beautiful. My babies, peaceful and happy. All they needed was me next to them, for me to know I was loved. It doesn’t take much for a dog. Healthy food, play, a loving pack, and a soft place to lay is really all they need to be happy. For us humans happiness isn’t always as easy to come by. It’s a shame really. It should be the easiest thing in the world, being happy.
There is more to the lesson than happiness. Dogs also teach us to love without reservation, to never miss an opportunity to express how we feel, to share the magnitude of what is in our heart. I am forever grateful for this loving instruction.
Jack and Grace, Mommy loves you.
Photo Source (couple and hand holding paw): http://weheartit.com/