I heard a bird sing, in the dark of December.
A magical thing, and sweet to remember.
“We are nearer to Spring than we were in September,”
I heard a bird sing, in the dark of December.
~Oliver Herford, I heard a Bird Sing
I hope your weekend was a lovely and peaceful one.
I had a wonderful Thanksgiving, but like so many living with chronic illness, I had to cut corners where I could~I kept the crowd small, and kept the menu manageable. I also spaced my activities well in the days leading up~shopping one day, cleaning two days later with a rest day in between. Despite all of this careful planning, apparently I wasn’t careful enough. I have paid for all of this dearly in the last three days. While it felt like the normal world was out embracing the holiday season in earnest, I have been home, instead finding myself in illness’s embrace.
At the start of this year, in healthier days, I had a ritual as each new month began. I contemplated lofty expectations and wholeheartedly embraced my goals. Yet now, here I am, at the start of another month, a time that should be full of promise, and it is so much different. Because this year turned out to be so much different than expected. It has been plagued with lupus, and intense pain and fatigue I didn’t know existed. It has been riddled with doctors and hospitals and other ugliness.
In the face of all of this, for most of this year, I have worried about everything. I have worried about this blog, my online presence, and my other projects. I have thought about whether or not it is worth it to go on, to keep trying. I thought I wasn’t brave enough to be successful.
Now I realize that isn’t it at all. What I have been trying to do simply has not been healing to my spirit at this point in my life. It is a matter of eliminating what isn’t working, identifying what nurtures me, and choosing wisely. Illness, creativity and success can harmoniously coexist.
Moving forward, it isn’t about lofty goals or expectations. It is all about simplicity, gratitude, blessings and small victories. A very different, and better, kind of promise. I want to go gently and enjoy everything this month is about. I have promised myself from now on that everything I do will be done with meaning and love. I hope to stop in here a time or two before we greet 2014 to say hello, and then be back, as this blog does have a place in my heart and in my plans for next year.
Until my return friends, I wish you a beautiful, peaceful and healthy December.
I looked at the calendar two days ago and realized I haven’t posted in two long weeks. My apologies, beautiful friends. I had a rather monumental doctor’s visit on the 6th and hopelessly lost track of things right after.
I approached this visit with the righteous indignation that can be so darn typical of me when I’ve hit my limit~with lupus, with fibromyalgia, with doctors, with everything. I planned to march right into her office and announce “I’m done! You won’t be seeing me for a while!”, but my recent lab results and her examination of me brought some new things to light. It turns out my brain, nerves, kidney and heart all need a closer look see. Yes, you read that correctly. Kidney, as in singular. I was born with only one.
I have spent my time since gradually fielding calls from other doctor’s offices, imaging centers and other testing facilities (oh yes, and my dreaded insurance company). As of last Friday everything is on the calendar and it all gets going this coming Thursday. I will be consumed with all of this until the end of next month, with my last test scheduled for October 29th. I face this time with a great deal of apprehension, but also a surprising sense of hope.
My plan is to spend my time quietly at home, doing everything I can to lessen my pain, surrounding myself with love, laughter, and compassion. I wish to work on a daily practice of joy, growth and spirit. It will involve simple things, like working on my photography, lots of cuddles with my babies and experimenting in the kitchen; really whatever it is I feel called to do. I need to view my body from a place of non-contention; it is working hard every day, every moment, to keep me alive and aware, and for that it deserves my respect.
I didn’t mean to forget this place, but when life happens like this, even what is loved and important can go neglected. As I work through all that lies ahead I do hope to stop in here regularly. After all, this time is all about my health and spirit, and every time I stop in here to write a few words I always leave happier and empowered.
Until I’m back, I will stay focused on what is beautiful and good.
Looking for rainbows.
I hope you do the same.