chronic illness

Being Human

“The essence of being human is that one does not seek perfection.”

~George Orwell

spring blossom

It was not my intention to be away for so long; I guess I have been busy with being human~fragile, at times sad, hopelessly breakable. I have been a little dark cloud amid the magnificent late spring sunshine.

I have experienced what has felt like a month-long flu, which has made for miserable mornings and even more miserable afternoons. Sleep has been my only escape. By now I should be used to what lupus and fibromyalgia do to me, but I’m not. The pain has numbed my brain. Projects have been set aside. My camera goes untouched. I started my fiction novel in March, and I haven’t written a single word in weeks. I am also going through some intensely personal things; complicated things that hurt, things I can’t really talk about for the sake of others, things for which there is no other solution than to let go and move forward when all I feel is frozen.

My mind drifts to the celebratory passages that come with this time of year, the ones that create the deliciousness, the essence, of life. Graduations. Vacations. Bliss. It brings me to what illness has taken away, what I don’t get to experience in the here and now. As a young girl and later into my teens, I looked ahead into a future and saw a brave and inventive life. Today, on those days when I choose, and on those days when I literally have to fight for happiness, I am fueled by the thought that I still have a chance to create moments and milestones, that I still have time for bravery and invention.

There is always the future. Something different, something better, than what exists today.

Pain is both mask and unveiling. I have longed to hide away and not be seen, but when I can’t, I often successfully force a laugh or smile. However, healing doesn’t dwell in this well versed facade. It can only be born from the tears, vulnerability and freedom that come with being honest. I will get through this, just like I have before. As a sick person, I often feel like my circle of support and love is constantly growing smaller. In some ways it is true~some friends lose patience or drift away altogether~but my circle remains unbreakable in the most significant ways; my marriage is strong, my family unwavering, and my dearest friends will always understand. Projects will always be there waiting, and to them I will most definitely return.

I just need to feel better and get on with living, with both arms wide open.

I will.

King Sago Palm Branch

With Love

Friends, I hope this post finds you happy, peaceful and loved on this gorgeous Valentine’s Day.

I know I have been quiet around here, and it isn’t at all what I had planned. My health struggles continue, and I have fought to know and find my voice in this chaos. I have been working through unprecedented symptoms, and it seems there is no end in sight.

pomegranate on a tree

I have spent my days quietly at home, in bed mostly, and it has been so hard to find interesting and inspiring things to say. Part of me feels like I can’t speak as candidly as I want to about all that is happening to me. I don’t know if illness is a worthwhile thing, or an appropriate thing to talk about, and at this point in my life I feel like it is the only thing I truly know.  What do I say? Do I write about how lonely this feels? Do I write about doctors and hospitals and other unpleasantries? Do I write about abandoned plans, or suffering relationships? Do I write about how exceptionally boring I feel I have become?

emerging hydrangea leaves

When I come here, I want my words to echo a certain meaning and confidence; a heart and faith that I am simply lacking right now. I want to talk about projects, passions and adventure, the things I just don’t have room for while I manage my health. So if the days and weeks wear on and I continue to be quiet here, that’s why. I know one day I will wake up feeling better and stronger, and I will get back to living this life the way it is meant to be lived. Until then, I will simply take each moment as it comes.

succulents

Despite everything, I know I am immeasurably blessed. Mine is a life filled with countless reasons to be hopeful.

Hope is a miraculous thing to hold on to.

Have a blessed weekend, everyone.

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