I have been thinking a lot about limits.
Yes, we all have them.
I’ve got a lot of them.
What I can’t buy, what I can’t eat, what I can’t write and do and say.
They have a central theme in common. Each one directly relates to my health in one way or another. They’re most certainly not a figment of my imagination. They’re not about making excuses. They’re real. Sometimes they bother me, and sometimes they don’t. But lately it seems my emotions have come out on the losing end of the battle.
My limits have been winning, getting the best of me.
All I can think about is how I don’t have the energy to take a day hike with a friend, when I have the glory of the Sierra Mountains practically in my own backyard in one direction, and the grandeur of the Pacific Ocean in the other. Or I think about how I can only sit down and write for an hour at a time. I am tired of feeling frustrated and slow; tired of taking twice as long to finish anything.
In the past ten years I have grown accustomed to not firing on all cylinders. No easy feat for a dedicated A-type personality like me. But as my dear grandmother loves to say, it is what it is.
We all have these things.
And I have to learn to take a hard look at mine as say “so what?”
There are things in life not worth holding onto. Stress over what I can’t do is one of them.
There is a power in letting go and choosing to just be.
And with it peace and gratitude will settle in, and a realization of all the amazing things I can do. All those healthy and positive emotions will have the chance to come through and shine all on their own.
Today I begin the journey to letting go.
To just being.
Photo Source: http://mysummertwist.tumblr.com/
I am seeing things.
Things that just aren’t there.
Before departing for the gym yesterday I checked my bag two dozen times to make sure I had everything. I’m low maintenance. The checklist really isn’t complicated. Everything fits nicely into a little compact bag, and most would be impressed with this minimalist feat.
But even with so little to keep track of, I still can’t keep it straight.
Fast forward one hour and there I was. After my workout and fresh from the shower, in all my naked glory, rummaging through my bag, and my damn bra was nowhere to be found. As if this little mishap wasn’t bad enough, the top I packed was a tight, flimsy little see-through burn out tee. With a really deep v-neck.
Ladies, do you feel my pain?
I could have sworn I saw it in my bag. But sadly, this is my brain on what I call my lupus-fibro fog. And this cognitive disaster is a force so powerful it could reduce a Mensa member into a hopelessly forgetful, bumbling idiot.
Welcome to my world.
My girls aren’t super huge, but being fully rounded B-cups they are just enough to cause a problem at times like this. It was what it was. Bralessness would be the name of the game.
The trek from the women’s locker room to the parking lot is a long one. The path goes right through a big weight room, always full of the same guys trying to out do each other, no matter what time of day it is. 10 in the morning on a Tuesday, and the place was completely packed. And all I can think of is does anyone work a normal job anymore?
Never mind that I don’t. Completely beside the point.
I made my way through the weight room, looking like Farrah Fawcett from the neck down in her iconic 70′s poster (bless her soul). I got a few appreciative looks from the male regulars. The women hanging out in there gave me a few glances that could best be translated to who the hell does she think she is?
Hey people, give me a seriously needed break. It could be worse.
I can beat myself up over being stupid and letting my foggy brain get the best of me. Or I can have a good laugh over it.
I choose laughter.
The world can use some more anyway.
Photo Source: http://weheartit.com/
My month has been an interesting one, friends.
I have experienced so many feelings, and very different ones at that.
It almost doesn’t seem possible, to feel all these things
but I felt every one of it in my heart.
I felt happy and bright.
I felt adventurous.
And childlike at the very same time.
I felt loving, and loved.
And even a little bit scared.
But above all
I felt, and continue to feel, that all things are possible.
And this world continues to be an amazing place.
I hope your month was everything you wanted it to be.
Have a beautiful August, friends.
Inspiration has been hard to come by lately. I don’t understand it. It isn’t for lack of ideas or amazing things to write about. They are all around me. Surely you would think I can find something to say about them.
But sometimes nothing comes.
I am confused by the ebb and flow. How one day it all can come so easily and there is no stopping me. How my fingers can’t move fast enough on my keyboard to get my thoughts out. And then out of nowhere it comes to a screeching halt. I have nothing. I force myself to sit at a blank computer screen, as if that will accomplish anything. Hours go by. And then an almost panic sets in. I fear I will never get unstuck.
I think I’m a little too obsessed about the future. I have ridiculous lofty goals and impossible self-imposed deadlines to meet. All of these things are noble, and almost necessary, in theory. But I forgot where to draw the line. I’m stressed. I’ve worked myself up to the point where relentless drive and expectations are getting in the way.
The future and all its promise is a gift. I am in this time and place, and I am in good, supportive and loving company for a reason. This miracle isn’t lost on me.
But I want to step away from the pressures of the future for just a moment. I need perspective. I want to breathe and let go. Because actually, when it all comes down to it, the present and this moment is all we really have.
Today I want to set aside the pressures and goals and deadlines and just be. To feel the freedom of no responsibility. To clear my mind and experience the warm sun on my skin and the breeze against my cheek. To slow down and actually pay attention to all the ordinary sounds and smells and emotions that usually pass me by, and suddenly don’t seem so ordinary anymore.
Because really there isn’t anything ordinary about any of this.
I owe it to myself to slow down and relax. It’s just one day. A day to enjoy life and clear my head. Inspiration will find me once again and settle in when it is ready.
After all, it always finds a way.
For all of us.
Photo Source (quote): http://weheartit.com/
Photo Source (woman): http://greenlikebathwater.tumblr.com/
Every summer I grow another year older, and more appreciative of everything that life is about.
And I have it to thank for my happiest moments and memories.
This summer I want to master the art of idleness. It is getting easier to do, as I grow wiser. Certain things just seem less important than they used to be.
I am going to sit by the pool and read magazines all day.
The coconut scent of Hawaiian Tropic will be my signature fragrance.
It’s going to be all about bikini tops and bright pedicures.
Beach umbrellas and feeling the sand against my skin.
Salt water in my hair.
The warmth of the sun and watching my garden grow.
Romance and the magic of longer days.
And festive, endless nights
with loved ones.
Time for relaxation and putting work and worry aside.
Friends, I hope summer inspires you to do the same, or whatever makes you happy.
Have a blessed weekend.
Photo Source (umbrella): http://mysummertwist.tumblr.com/
Photo Source (couple & lighted trees): http://weheartit.com/