When I’m Feeling Lost
Yesterday I realized that it has been well over a month since I have blogged or written a single, meaningful word anywhere.
As the summer was winding down and my heart felt full with the anticipation of season’s change, I wanted so badly to rededicate myself to this place and to my creative side in general. I wanted the comfort of routine, and to feel like I was doing something important. At the very least I will post once a week, I told myself, not really knowing what was in store for me.
When I was in San Francisco for those few days two months ago, I spent one full day buried under the covers of my hotel bed, too sick to leave my room, my brain capable of processing only two things: how I just wanted to go home, and all of the things I was missing out on. Anyone who has been to San Francisco knows its magic. While I may have been buried under sheets and blankets, I could still hear the sounds of the city from the other side of the window~people, movement, excitement, life. And there I was on a Friday at noon, in too much pain to even lift my head from my pillow.
My illness has persisted with a vengeance since my time away. The days have been long, painful and lonely. There are moments when I can’t feel parts of me. There are times when it feels like liquid fire is shooting through every inch, deep down through every bone, vein and nerve, and in an instant that fire turns agonizingly ice cold. My tired mind doesn’t have any other way to explain it.
There have been times when I have sat down to express myself here, and the words just wouldn’t come. Or they would come, and I felt they were too raw and dark and honest, which isn’t what I wanted. Then I would worry and stress about never coming back here and having something meaningful to say. I resent my identity as a sick person. I want to defy these laws I have been forced to live by and bend illness to my will, so when I want to make plans, when I want to be smart, when I want to feel pretty, and when I want to be witty, vivacious and interesting, I can be.
To feel less lost, I have dedicated my energies to creating the best possible days for myself. Days filled with hot baths, sunshine, meditation, cozy jammies, doggie cuddles and lots and lots of sleep. I haven’t managed much more than that. The pain is still too great. But in spite of it, I still feel ridiculously grateful for a few precious things.
For my family.
For my home.
For new friends both near and far.
And for this gorgeous unbreakable safety net of love that is all mine.
Better days are surely coming soon. I also thank those of you who have shown concern for my baby girl Grace. Good news. She has a digestive condition that can be treated with medication. We are very thankful indeed that our baby is going to be just fine.
Wishing everyone a beautiful week, and a beautiful fall.