Being Human

“The essence of being human is that one does not seek perfection.”

~George Orwell

spring blossom

It was not my intention to be away for so long; I guess I have been busy with being human~fragile, at times sad, hopelessly breakable. I have been a little dark cloud amid the magnificent late spring sunshine.

I have experienced what has felt like a month-long flu, which has made for miserable mornings and even more miserable afternoons. Sleep has been my only escape. By now I should be used to what lupus and fibromyalgia do to me, but I’m not. The pain has numbed my brain. Projects have been set aside. My camera goes untouched. I started my fiction novel in March, and I haven’t written a single word in weeks. I am also going through some intensely personal things; complicated things that hurt, things I can’t really talk about for the sake of others, things for which there is no other solution than to let go and move forward when all I feel is frozen.

My mind drifts to the celebratory passages that come with this time of year, the ones that create the deliciousness, the essence, of life. Graduations. Vacations. Bliss. It brings me to what illness has taken away, what I don’t get to experience in the here and now. As a young girl and later into my teens, I looked ahead into a future and saw a brave and inventive life. Today, on those days when I choose, and on those days when I literally have to fight for happiness, I am fueled by the thought that I still have a chance to create moments and milestones, that I still have time for bravery and invention.

There is always the future. Something different, something better, than what exists today.

Pain is both mask and unveiling. I have longed to hide away and not be seen, but when I can’t, I often successfully force a laugh or smile. However, healing doesn’t dwell in this well versed facade. It can only be born from the tears, vulnerability and freedom that come with being honest. I will get through this, just like I have before. As a sick person, I often feel like my circle of support and love is constantly growing smaller. In some ways it is true~some friends lose patience or drift away altogether~but my circle remains unbreakable in the most significant ways; my marriage is strong, my family unwavering, and my dearest friends will always understand. Projects will always be there waiting, and to them I will most definitely return.

I just need to feel better and get on with living, with both arms wide open.

I will.

King Sago Palm Branch

6 Responses to Being Human

  • I believe that while our circles may get smaller, they get stronger as they do. The bonds of those who stick with us through all the bad times can’t be broken. They are our true friends, the ones who really love us unconditionally.

    • I agree, Julie. Initially it hurts to see people slip away, but in time wisdom does step in and gives us that comfort. <3

      • If only we could learn to accept the wisdom at the time. It’s amazing how often we know something is “good” for us yet we still want to fight it all the way, because it hurts.

        • Agreed. We need to be kind to ourselves. We have to fight so much as it is. Why “fight” what is good for us? <3

  • Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. I have been dealing with lupus since 2011 and recently told that I’m experiencing fibromyalgia as well. Reading about others experiences, both good and bad, is helping me cope and not feel so alone in this.

    • Hi Briana, thank you so much for commenting. I am sorry to hear you are living with both lupus and fibromyalgia as well, it always breaks my heart to know that someone knows what this feels like; but gratitude, love and comfort can be found when we meet new friends who understand the journey. You aren’t alone! Please stay in touch if you would like to have a friend. <3

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