Coming Around Again

No mud, no lotus.

~Thieh Nhat Hanh

succulent

Hi friends. I’m sorry I disappeared for two weeks. Things happened, and they happened in a big way.

I’m still not 100%; but after two long weeks away from this place I realized that staying away any longer wouldn’t bring the healing that I dearly need.

So here I am.

Now for the back story. A few months ago and with the highest of hopes, I started a grueling drug regimen designed to calm my wayward immune system. I didn’t take this path lightly; but desperate to be well and to be a full participant in my life again, I forged ahead with the support of my husband and the guidance of my medical team.

The drugs made me horribly sick. My joints and muscles burned. I was bruised from head to toe. I had fevers and infections non stop. I couldn’t eat without pain. My body constantly demanded sleep.  Every single thing, every symptom, every sensation that lupus has created within me since this diagnosis came fifteen years ago was made a hundred times worse by this poison I allowed into my body.

The breaking point came in the days before my last post. I spent two days in bed, and I experienced emotions that I had never felt before. I was in a dark, confused and scary place. I looked up at the ceiling in my darkened room and thought if God takes me now I really don’t care. I just want this misery to end.

The moment was fleeting, but it left me feeling so ashamed, and stupid.

Ashamed because despite everything, my life is a gift. Everything and everyone in it is a gift. Stupid because I put myself through this, blinded by hope and the thought that I could again be the healthy, energetic and unstoppable person I used to be with the help of a toxic drug.

A drug with a ridiculously high failure rate. A drug that has driven people to suicide. (I learned these things after the fact.)

red dahlias

I have to face an indisputable truth. Lupus is a complex, confusing and mysterious reality for which there is no cure. I am never going to be the person I used to be. But there is another indisputable truth. I can find a way to manage it healthfully, holistically and spiritually and get back to my life to some degree. Instead of raging against it, throwing anything at it, I need to choose wisely.

I need to embrace the possibilities it has created.

Maybe I’m not supposed to be the person I once was. Maybe this is the universe’s way of telling me that. Sometimes we need to get through some messy stuff to realize who we are destined to be and what that unexpected journey is all about.

I officially stopped treatment two weeks ago, and it will take time to get everything out of my system. It will be a tough few months, so I’ve been told. I plan to keep up what I have been doing over the past two weeks when I was away from this place. The break was all about being kind to myself. I did yoga. I planted beautiful flowers. I took lots of photos. I tended to my vegetable garden. I enjoyed my mother’s loving company. I did some exploring. I spent lots of time in the sunshine. I cuddled with my pups. I did things that made me feel pretty. I fell asleep in my husband’s arms.

I meditated, and prayed. And prayed some more.

I am returning to that place of happiness and gratitude that I believe in with every fiber of my being. I got a little lost in this mess; but it feels so good to let the beauty and magic back in.

It feels so good to be back.

Have an amazing week, everyone.

 

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