Have A Beautiful Week
Friends, I’m not starting the week off in the way I really want to.
Today is a particularly bad pain day. It is a particularly bad energy day, too.
The sensations meander around my body. At best, it feels like my limbs are on fire. At worst, it feels like I have one of those brain freeze headaches, pounding in my head and over every inch of me. Instead of a merciful few seconds, the feeling lasts for a relentless hour or two. I won’t lie. It makes me have thoughts I am not proud of. I think about how I don’t want to live like this. I contemplate how much I have lost, and how much I stand to lose as this continues. I battle with how pointless my life feels sometimes.
In moments of extreme weakness I flirt with the idea of risky behaviors, like taking addictive painkillers or drinking alcohol, anything to make it stop.
But I won’t.
Because ultimately I love life, and I love myself too much to do those things.
Today I had every intention of writing something really inspiring and meaningful, to start what should be a beautiful week. Instead I have to embrace short, sweet, brutal honesty. My spirit is willing, but my mind and body are weak. My fingers can barely move as I type this. I am struggling to find my words.
Just as I love myself enough to not indulge in dangerous things, I also love myself enough to know when to stop and be kind. To me.
Today I choose self care, and I will choose this as long as I need. I also choose to know the beauty that is all around me. When I got out of the shower this morning, this is what I saw.
And when I was resting on the couch this afternoon, my little guy got right up next to me. His warm little body gave my heavy heart so much comfort.
Who think I’m the best mommy ever, no matter what.
Life really is beautiful after all.
Have a blessed week.