Have A Beautiful Week

Friends, I’m not starting the week off in the way I really want to.

Today is a particularly bad pain day. It is a particularly bad energy day, too.

The sensations meander around my body. At best, it feels like my limbs are on fire. At worst, it feels like I have one of those brain freeze headaches, pounding in my head and over every inch of me.  Instead of a merciful few seconds, the feeling lasts for a relentless hour or two. I won’t lie. It makes me have thoughts I am not proud of. I think about how I don’t want to live like this. I contemplate how much I have lost, and how much I stand to lose as this continues. I battle with how pointless my life feels sometimes.

In moments of extreme weakness I flirt with the idea of risky behaviors, like taking addictive painkillers or drinking alcohol, anything to make it stop.

But I won’t.

Because ultimately I love life, and I love myself too much to do those things.

Today I had every intention of writing something really inspiring and meaningful, to start what should be a beautiful week. Instead I have to embrace short, sweet, brutal honesty. My spirit is willing, but my mind and body are weak.  My fingers can barely move as I type this. I am struggling to find my words.

Just as I love myself enough to not indulge in dangerous things, I also love myself enough to know when to stop and be kind. To me.

Today I choose self care, and I will choose this as long as I need. I also choose to know the beauty that is all around me. When I got out of the shower this morning, this is what I saw.

blue nosed pit bull Grace

And when I was resting on the couch this afternoon, my little guy got right up next to me. His warm little body gave my heavy heart so much comfort.

IMG_3066

My angels.

Who think I’m the best mommy ever, no matter what.

Life really is beautiful after all.

Have a blessed week.

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