Reflections

miracle of sunlight

“Three things cannot be hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth.”

~Buddha

 

Friends, I am sorry for my absence.

This week I have been focused on self-care.  I have also been working to solve the mysteries of what is happening with my body.  And the answers finally came yesterday.  A few weeks ago I made a rather dramatic announcement, suggesting that I was experiencing a bit of a crisis.  It wasn’t an exaggeration; things have been getting very serious for me in the health department. I hated being so cryptic about it.  But in all sincerity I didn’t really know what was happening until now.

In addition to all the lupus related things that happen to my body and mind on a daily basis, I have nodules on my thyroid that are sending my hormones into a bit of a tailspin.  My kidney function has declined further, and I have a lot of inflammation around my heart and lungs.  The joints in my lower extremities are also under attack by my rogue immune system.  I am now under doctor’s orders to start a moderately aggressive drug regimen, to rest, claim some quiet and peace in my life, and stay off my feet as much as possible until I get through this seemingly endless flare.

So I paused.  Here and in every other aspect of my life, not because I chose to but because my body and brain literally required it.

I have felt impossibly lost.  I thought of giving up, even giving this place up, my little spot of real estate on this amazing thing we call the Web.  Words wouldn’t come, because I have been so afraid. I have wanted to run away.  I have beaten myself up over falling apart, and not doing what I pledged at the start of February: letting go of things and being easy on myself. Because I did the complete opposite.  I freaked over every little flipping thing.

Yes, I have been a colossal disaster of a person.

And it has to stop.

I want to know that love for words again.  I want to believe that what I’m striving for is worth it.  That my ideas matter.  That I can be well. But only I can find that within me.  There is something that does make it easier.  It all begins with love.  Love from others, and love for myself.   The former is all around.  The latter, however, is a taller order.

So here we are, the beginning of another month.  And for me I hope it is a beginning of far greater significance.  It is time to think about what I want over the next 30 days.  I think I know.  And I hope to share those thoughts here with you next week.

Aside from that, may we all dwell on possibility.  Not just now, but always.

Have a beautiful, amazing weekend.

Until next week . . .

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