Changes

“The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love and to be greater than our suffering.”

~Ben Okri

Dandelions

Friends, I’m distracted.

And I’m sorry.

Life dramatically shifted for me this week.  I have things going on that demand my attention, and I fear that I don’t have much to give here right now.  I may feel this way for a mere few days.  Or maybe a week.  Maybe longer.  I just don’t know.

I wish I could wake up tomorrow to a completely different world, with a solution to my every challenge, so I can quickly get back to the business of being me.

When I can be myself, words flow from my heart effortlessly, and I simply can’t wait to share them here.  And that’s the problem.  I’m not myself.  The words aren’t coming.  I need to work through some big things first, so I can feel that beauty and wisdom in my heart again.  When I started getting sick many years ago, and the news from my doctor wasn’t getting better, acceptance went a long way in my healing process and putting me on this path to realizing my dreams.   For the first time in what felt like forever, everything was possible.  But this week, with every test and doctor’s appointment, I feel my acceptance slipping away.   The possible is suddenly feeling impossible.

I know this is a temporary setback; and once I get some decisions made I will be on my way to feeling truly empowered again.  But now all I can do, today, is move forward simply and easily, and take the small but significant step of focusing on what is good:

A man whose love for me knows no end, no matter what comes our way.

A safe place to call home.

My fur-suit-wearing angel babies.

My mom.

Friends.

Opportunities.

Life.

Through all of this, I am indeed a humble, thankful recipient.

A recipient of abundant grace.

dandelion wishes

I thank all of you for your continued support.

May we all look forward knowing how blessed we truly are.

Have a beautiful weekend.

I’ll be back soon.

Promise.

6 Responses to Changes

  • Allyson,
    Love & Prayers for healing and peace from your East Coast family!

  • I already commented on the article you wrote on “Autoimmune Mom” and felt compelled to write here, too. What a blessing this is. The last several months have been so difficult and I have felt alone sometimes. I have gotten so much love from everyone in my life, but have finally found a place to go to find understanding or at least relate to. The way you write is absolutely incredible. It feels as though I’m watching a movie. At this time, I am struggling and fighting selfishness. I want details of your health right now. I want answers of my own, about my own health and what is to come. Most of my life in the last couple of months has been waiting….waiting for the next Dr. appointment, waiting for test results, waiting for medications, waiting to be referred to yet another Dr., waiting for a diagnosis, waiting to decide if I’m going back to work and when. Thank you for having the courage to blog so I could find encouragement!

    • Dear, precious Kim, I feel so blessed to have connected with you here and on Autoimmune Mom. I just checked out your blog and I quickly subscribed to your feed because I was so moved by your honesty. I thank YOU for your courage. It isn’t easy pulling the curtain back on what can be a very difficult reality. Since January I have had way too many days where I have thrown my hands up, wanted to give up and stop blogging, just give up on EVERYTHING. I don’t know what the hell happened right after Christmas, but I flared so badly and I have not recovered. As much as it pains me to hear from others, like yourself, who are going through a similar struggle (because I never want to hear that someone is suffering like I am), connecting makes me feel loved and less alone. I feel like I have tried everything: prednisone and other meds, alternative therapies, diet, even brutal immunosuppressive therapy, none of it has been successful thus far. But what keeps me going is connecting with others like you, and knowing I have love and blessings in my life. Gratitude has been everything on this very difficult path. I can’t feel it all the time, because, frankly, sometimes I just get really pissed off and nothing can get through to me when I get in those moods. But I do think the best thing we can do is manage gratitude as much as possible, turn it over to God and trust this path. We are on it for a reason. It will bring us firmly in touch with our truth, what matters, etc. I would love to get to know you more, I want to stay in touch. I want to know how you are doing! I am curious what you mean when you say you are “fighting selfishness.” If I understand what you mean (and I think I do), that is absolutely okay sometimes. Be gentle with yourself my friend. And THANK YOU for our encouragement. You are a blessing!

  • The selfishness I was referring to was due to wanting to know the details of what you were experiencing. I’ve been told that my recovery has been wonderful and that I will have a normal life. You have been dealing with this a lot longer than I and even though I know each case is different, I want to know what life really will be like for me. Each day I try to be positive, even though that is against my nature as a pessimist (or what I call a realist), but I don’t think that means living in fairy land, without the reality of what is going on inside this body of mine. I haven’t even got an official diagnosis yet. Who knows when I will.

    There have been a couple of good things to come out of this already. 1. I look at my kids, friends, family, dog in a new light. They are just beautiful to me. Sometimes I stare at them in awe and feel so blessed. I want to soak up each moment with them. 2. I am gaining confidence in myself. I was sick the entire week before I went into the hospital. I pushed myself to make it through and spent the entire week doubting myself. I thought I was being a wimp and needed to buck up. When I woke my hubby up at 4 a.m., I was hoping he’d tell me I was sick. I felt as though I were fighting for my life, but that voice in my head kept telling me I was fine and being a drama queen. It wasn’t until I had a scurry of activity in the E.R. happen around me that I realized something was really wrong. I do still hear that voice, but I’m fighting it and trying to believe in myself. As I was thinking of my next sentence, that little voice said, “you don’t even have a diagnosis. You’ll probably find out you are making all of this up”. Now, I want to make sure to say, I’m not hearing voices!!!! These are my thoughts.

    It was a little disheartening to read that you’ve tried everything. I am on my second type of steroid. It doesn’t seem to be as good as Prednisone, but at least I’m not crying or angry everyday. Even with the prednisone, I still didn’t feel well. I was looking forward to trying to manage things by changing the food I eat. Allyson, this is such a strange disease. I just don’t understand it.

    Do you ever doubt that your symptoms are real? Do you have a hard time describing them? You have Lupus, right? Would you mind sharing the beginning of your journey? Your experience with Doctors?

    I am so excited that I’ve met you. Thank you so much for writing back to me. When I saw your note, I felt like a kid on Christmas day. You seem like a superstar to me. Your blog is so beautiful and the way you write is professional. I sound pretty kiddish, right? Well, I’m a grown woman (46 years of age), but do consider myself a kids at heart.

    My heart aches for your struggle. Cuddle up and put on those adorable slipper socks. Oh, what a smile those brought to my face! Lot’s and lot’s of love to you, Kim

    • Kim, I am going to send you an email, hopefully sometime today but possibly tomorrow. There is so much I want to say, and simply continuing our discussion here in “comments” doesn’t do us justice. :-) Thank you, friend. You will be hearing from me soon. Make it a blessed day. :-)

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