When I woke up this morning I knew it was going to be one of those days. Without even moving I could feel it.
My pain on steroids.
My last completely pain free day is slowly becoming a distant memory. I fear it will be lost forever in my foggy brain. Many things about it are still vivid. It was my honeymoon. I was in a beautiful, tropical place an entire world away. I remember the love and other pleasant emotions that sat upon my heart. Those pieces of it will always be with me. What I fear losing is the memory of that physical sensation, when I moved my body freely and completely without a twinge, flash or lingering degree of pain.
How do I get away from this daily misery? My dreams are an escape. In them I am always strong and healthy, brilliant and wise. My waking hours are all about managing, hanging on. It is a hell of a way to live. And yes, at the risk of sounding morbid, I have rare moments when I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t know how I can face another forty years of this.
And that’s when I know it is time to go to where the love is in my life.
I’m lucky, because in my little corner of the universe, love is, in fact, all around.
On this day, I found myself already fighting tears as I hid under the covers. It was barely 7AM. Not good. On most days I can at least get up and around before the emotions hit and overwhelm me. I closed my eyes and tried to find it; any sensation that would remind me that all would be alright.
And like magic, it made its presence known.
I felt Jack against my leg, warm and soft, his little body going up and down with every sweet breath. And then there was Grace, sighing quietly and inching closer to make sure we touched. She found a spot against my aching back.
My children hugging me, doing what they could to take away Mommy’s pain. A sleepy kiss from my daughter graced my cheek. My tears were swept away.
A simple moment that had the power to pull me from the brink.
In moments like this I am reminded my life is blessed and beautiful. My babies, peaceful and happy. All they needed was me next to them, for me to know I was loved. It doesn’t take much for a dog. Healthy food, play, a loving pack, and a soft place to lay is really all they need to be happy. For us humans happiness isn’t always as easy to come by. It’s a shame really. It should be the easiest thing in the world, being happy.
There is more to the lesson than happiness. Dogs also teach us to love without reservation, to never miss an opportunity to express how we feel, to share the magnitude of what is in our heart. I am forever grateful for this loving instruction.
Jack and Grace, Mommy loves you.
Photo Source (couple and hand holding paw): http://weheartit.com/