Today Is The Day

No more excuses. No putting it off another moment.

Today I start writing my book.

Oh, this first tome has had a few starts and stops over the years. A lot of things have stood in the way, mainly my body and how it has struggled to be well, sometimes pulling my mind down with it. Today is really about starting it in earnest. I hope to hold myself accountable, announcing it to the world this way.

For years I have battled the self doubt.  My problem has always been getting the heck out of my own way.  As a child I wrote about jungle adventures, climbing mountains, and finding treasure, my wild stories always revolving around a young girl just like me, brave and confident and not afraid of anything.  My teen imagination spun sweet, elaborate romances, my protagonists beautiful, always strong and relentless. Somewhere along the line I came back down to earth, and my confidence evaporated.

All my adult life I have been on autopilot, and it had a way of preventing me from appreciating what was challenging and meaningful. Potential was elusive.  And I know I haven’t lived up to it.

But nothing is getting done this way. There are no short cuts to the places worth going to.

My emotions will be all over the place on this step of my journey. One day I will be on top of the world, and the words and thoughts will come to me so fast that my hands won’t possibly keep up on the keyboard.  The next day panic will set in, because my mind will play terrible tricks on me, convincing me that no one will give a rat’s patoot about what I write and what I have to say.  How no one will take a chance on me and want to publish my work, and I will have to figure out how to do it all on my own. I keep telling myself the tools are out there. There are thousands, if not millions of people like me in the world who dream of this.  If they can do it, I can at least try.

I want my mom to be proud of me. I want my husband to know I am smart and interesting.  I want to show all those people who doubted me that I can do this.  Most of all I want to prove it to myself. I realize now that putting this off had nothing to do with failure.  Sometimes it just comes down to the right time, and gaining maturity and a better sense of yourself. I am finally in the right place.

We all have dreams that are the stuff of grandeur. It’s different for everybody. For me, long ago it would have been all about the material.  Oceanfront vacation homes. Associates in high places. A closet full of couture with designers on speed dial (and the sample size always fitting like a glove).  It isn’t about that stuff anymore.  Not even close.  All I want is a cozy home and a happy family. I want to cultivate a sense of purpose with my writing and make my mark on the world.  And someday find the answer to my health and live without pain.

So here I am, starting this month, this new step in my life, with big dreams and ideas. This effort will be worth it, even if it means I only reach a handful of people. I will need to  stay positive and keep perspective in this very unforgiving world.

It’s going to be hard.

But I’m going to do it.

Today is the day.


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